The Worthwhile Cost of Love
by gawilliams
Summary: Bones' thoughts during Booth's capture of Broadsky.  Episode addition to The Hole In The Heart.


_Here is something I've been considering since last season, and finally put it down on paper. It's a serious one, and one that needs to be told in my opinion. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

_Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Excerpt from the Journal of Dr. Temperance Brennan:**_

**_May 13, 2011:_**

_**10:00 AM: **_I'm not sure if my emotions are strong enough to deal with the fact that Booth and I made love this morning. I know I told him a few weeks ago that I was improving, and that I was now a more strong substance, but the tendrils of imperviousness that remain are drawing me into one of my greatest fears, if not my greatest fear. Losing Booth. But we both needed what happened this morning. The both of us are raw and drained over what happened to Vincent Nigel-Murray yesterday. When Booth pulled me into his arms and we laid on his bed together, me crying, it was our perfect moment.

Angela and Booth have taught me that a couple has that one moment where everything becomes clear. That was this morning at about 4:00. When I stopped crying and he was still holding me, whispering his support and also acknowledging how much all of us at the Jeffersonian mean to him, especially me, I knew. Booth is my reason for improving myself over the last seven years. Booth is the reason that I can admit to such a petty emotion as jealousy. Booth is the reason that I can now see a future with _**one**_ man, and I find I actually want that future. But will we get that chance?

_**11:00 AM:**_ This is decidedly frustrating. I cannot seem to concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. I have been looking at the same bone for the last hour and haven't even thought about what I was supposed to be concentrating on. Is there anything of interest in the bone? Is there any indication of an answer to any of the numerous questions I attempt to answer in my analysis? Is there anything that could help Booth? No to all of those. And now Angela knows that I slept with Booth. I'm not averse to telling her about such an event, but at the same time I am beginning to understand Booth's reticence to talk about sex a bit better. Is this lack of concentration and developing reticence all a part of being in love? If so, I need to discuss this with Booth. It is at once disconcerting, yet calming.

_**12:30 PM: **_I'm paralyzed with fear. I found that Broadsky had broken his hand and when I tried to explain it to Booth I found that he was, as Hodgins so ruthlessly put it, **_playing dueling snipers_**. This was five minutes ago and I had to remove myself from everyone and went here to my office. I can't lose Booth. Not now. He is everything to me, and what I told Gordon Gordon once is so true. I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for Booth. Now he is facing a sniper of equal ability, and I don't know what to do. I can't be there to have his back. I can't be there to help him if he is injured. Right now it is all I can do to keep from having a serious anxiety attack. I don't believe in God, so I am left with placing my faith in Booth. It is strangely comforting, but can I go on the rest of the day until we know one way or another what has happened?

_**2:30 PM: **_The last two hours have been a living Hell, if I were to ever believe in such a place. Nothing was accomplished by any of us, and for the last hour and a half we were all in the overhead lounge above the platform waiting for word. As the minutes went by I became more and more worried about Booth, knowing that it had to be over by then one way or another. It's the **_another_** that worries me. I lived through the horror of thinking Booth was dead once before for two weeks, but I got him back, despite the mistakes made by both of us after that, but this time would be permanent, and this time we are genuinely together. When we got the call five minutes ago I don't think I could form a coherent sentence after I told everyone that Broadsky had been caught by Booth. Instead, I told them and then came here to the office and broke down. I am writing this brief entry as I try and regain control of myself. Is this going to be how it is every time Booth is in danger when doing his job? Is this how he feels when I am sometimes in danger? No matter what, we will need to have a long conversation about this.

_**5:00 PM: **_I am usually much better at writing in my daily journal every hour unless in the field, but today has been an extraordinary day that has not allowed me to keep up with my usual regimen. I have just gotten back from a meeting with the Jeffersonian's chief financial officer and arranged to personally pay for all the expenses surrounding the sending of Vincent's remains home to England, and all the funeral costs which the Jeffersonian had intended on paying for. Of course this was after Booth finally got to come to the Jeffersonian and I saw him alive and whole. I have to admit that when I saw him I hugged him to me hard and had trouble letting go. I didn't let it go further than that as we were in the open lab area and everyone was watching us, but I was sorely tempted to make love with him right there. This terrifying day has shown me the truth behind what Booth has been slowly, and patiently teaching me about love for all the years we have known each other. I know that tonight I will be slowly, and reverently taking a visual and tactile inventory of his body, learning by sight and touch all the pain and suffering that he has gone through, and take on the responsibility of caring for those wounds as if they were my very own.

_**9:00 PM:**_ I don't want to say goodbye. I am sitting in my car with a potted plant to leave with Vincent's casket, yet I am debating whether I am able to get out of this car and send his remains to his Mother. He had such promise, and now that gifted ability is no more. Is saying goodbye dismissing his worth and contribution that he made to our work and lives? I am conflicted, and this emotional turmoil is the result of becoming a strong substance as opposed to being an impervious substance. Has this transformation of myself been worth it? I ask myself that and then think of the man who is waiting for me just the other side of the building. When I put it like that I have my answers. No it isn't dismissing the worth and contributions of Vincent. I am a much better person for the transformation that I have gone through. It has all been worth it thanks to Booth and what he gives me every day. Love, support, and understanding. Now I have to say goodbye to a brilliant colleague, and say hello to my future. I think that hello will prevent me from making another entry for today, but it will be very much worth the lack of time to do anymore writing today.

_A/N: I can very well see Bones being a methodical journal writer with regular, multiple entries each day. I hope that has translated to an interesting, and somewhat accurate episode addition to _The Hole In The Heart_. Happy Holidays. Gregg._


End file.
